Hmmm 2:00am thoughts

I often wonder what the heck is wrong with me... Let me try to explain... I don’t have friends. I have a few acquaintances, most that I have been working with or a few that I see on Campus. I use to have friends, didn’t I? I use to be able to keep a relationship, didn’t I? I remember when people use to say that they missed me... I don’t hear that anymore. I think that maybe part of it is on my side but I still wonder what is going on. Then there is my sister. She has an amazing opportunity to live in Georgia and meets so many new people and one great friend who still keeps in touch. This friend is older than I am but cherishes my sister so much. I think it is great... but why can’t I find that? Then she moves in with me. Her first week in school and she meets two more amazing friends and has continued these friendships. I decided to spend the summer at home working and helping my mum with things around the house. That summer my sister spent it in Utah taking another semester in school. While she was there she met a new friend, a friend who consumes a lot of her time. In a way I don’t mind. But then again I am conflicted. Today this friend wrote on my sister’s wall about missing her best friend. All of the sudden jealousy shot through my body. I feel like telling this person to go away. I feel like telling her to get her own life because I don’t want to see or hear about her EVERY day. But then again I really like this person and I think she is a great girl... What is wrong with me? Then we have to start with the fact that, because I don’t have my own friends, I am a tag-a-long. My sister goes out with her friends and I come along. She has dinner or works out or goes skiing or anything else and I am right there tagging along. I am acting like a younger sister. It feels crazy that I am like this. Even down to relatives it seems this is a problem. My sister gets cute cards, notes, and random gifts in the mail from a cousin and friend. The cousin’s my age could care less about me. Although I only send them a card or two on special occasions, I still get nothing.


Why can’t I have these relationships? Why don’t people come into my life that are so meaningful to me and people that I cherish? Did I do something wrong to deserve a form of loneliness such as this? I was told a few days ago that I need to love myself before I can love others. But how can I love someone like me when no one else seems to?

Facebook... Another big problem. I know that I am not that good looking and I know that my sister was blessed with beauty. But when people like to shove it in my face such as commenting on all of the pictures on my albums about how beautiful she is and then not commenting on any of my own pictures, I don’t find this to be very good for my self esteem. I don’t go on all of your pictures and tell you how beautiful everyone else is and not mentioning anything about you do I? I would say that I have better tact than that. Whatever!!! I’m sure I am looking too deep into this and it really doesn’t matter. But it seems to matter to me because I feel like absolute crap... All because of one stupid (but sweet) comment to my sister.

Maybe it is just because I am delirious with exhaustion and need a few hours of sleep, so I will shut up now.

Night All :-(