Once again I am wondering why the heck I am here. I don't think that today was that bad of a day, however, I am stuck in an area where each of the houses are about a half a mile away from each other. I walk and walk and walk to find that no one is home or that they are not interested. I had a loser guy tell me today that he house is an Eco system. He said that he liked his bugs and doesn't want anyone to kill any of them. What a crock.
Then there is the fact that I got kicked out of my area by some cops... Then all of the sudden Josh is in my area pulling out sales where I should have been. Makes me furious.
Then you have the fact that I am surrounded by a bunch of cute little girls. Here I am thinking that I am a mammoth fat giant and can't sell anything and all of these tiny girls are making sales left right and centre. The stupid thing is that it wouldn't be so bad if they were all just here selling. But the fact that I sit here and listen to all of these men, that I am working with, tell them how cute they are and how they will pull out sales like mad because of their beauty, is what's killing me. I know what I look like... I know that I am not pretty or skinny, but can't the guys just hold off on saying things like that until I am out of earshot and not right beside them? I would think that it is only common knowledge to consider other people's feelings.
I don't know how I am suppose to change this feeling that I am having but it is really getting me down. I'm trying hard to work on uplifting myself such as reading my scriptures every night. I pray at least 4 times a day. I keep a smile on my face. What am I doing wrong? Why do I always feel like this?
I sometimes want to blame Jims. He took everything from me. And to this day I can't get him out of my mind. I love him and hate him all at the same time. I wish him the best and hope that he gets in a serious accident, all at the same time. Why is it that I have lost all love in myself and beauty that I once had because of the fact that he took everything from me...
I want my heart back. I want to be happy and feel loved. I want I want I want... Don't I deserve some of this? Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish and work on helping other people out instead of thinking about myself. But here I am a 30+ old woman who is single and has no prospects of ever being happy. No marriage in the future which equals no children. There is something terribly wrong with this picture.
I come across so many people and couples that I honestly can't understand how they were able to get married or even had a chance to. And then there is me... What the HECK!!
Anyway, I just need to say what I feel sometimes. I'm just annoyed in every direction and I can't seem to shake these feelings that I have. Tomorrow is, in fact, a new day and who knows... Maybe it will be an amazing day.
Pray for me.
