Monday, Monday, Monday

So here it is November something and I am back in Calgary... Will I ever settle?  I don't think so.  I continue to watch the calendar, waiting for the 25th so that I can be back in Utah for a second and indulge in Aunt Shelley's Thanksgiving feast.  She is such a good cook.  I also want to spend a moment with some friends if I have some time.  And IF they remember who I am.  haha

Sitting here in the cold office that is Tage Davidsen Drywall, I am reminded of the fact that I forgot all of my winter things in the states... What am I to do?  Go shopping I guess.  It is great to be back here... If I want to fall back into my old habits that is.  But I don't!  I keep trying to get away from this place in yet for some odd reason I am always back here.  And I love every minute of it.  Am I suppose to stay and work here for the rest of my existence?  Or is there a path for me to actually become American, get married, have a family and live in the states for the rest of my life?  I hate this "not knowing" crap.  All I need are a few simple answers.... and ASAP please. 

Anyway, this isn't a sad message.  I am loving the crisp, Calgary air.  I have had some fun seeing old friends and driving around a city that I know backwards and forwards.  I do miss Utah and it's beautiful mountains.  I think I shall enroll  in school again so I can spend another 4 years (give or take) there without hesitation.  haha

Hmmm almost time to start closing up shop.
Buh Bye   

Time to hit it hard...

So I have two weeks left here.  Wow I can't believe that this summer has moved so fast...  I have had great times and I have had horrible times.  I have walked and walked... You could say that I may be a pioneer child.  HAHA  just kidding.

Anyway, I am so grateful for the opportunity that I have had to come here and sell pest control.  I have heard so much about it through the years of knowing people who have done it or even the security stuff, but I never really knew the extent of it until now.  Knocking doors is something that I have done before.  Living with random girls that I didn't know is something that I have done before.  But putting it all together on a 24 hour base, I have not done before.  It is quite an intimate job.  Having your own time means... Well unless you spend an extra hour in the bathroom, you don't really have alone time.  Everyone is always around everyone else...  But the funny thing is that I started to like it.  Am I a social butterfly??  I think YES!! 
Also, this summer has strengthened me in so many ways.  I would have to say that I am still not completely active in the church but I have developed some amazing habits.  I am almost half way through the Book Of Mormon.  Now, I did read it once upon a time when I was but a young child of 14 for my personal progress.  But reading it now as an adult is one of the most amazing things.  I will tell you that if I didn't have the spirit with me this summer, I may not have made it.  To add on to that, I have gone to the first discussion with a friend of mine.  He is very spiritual and is looking for more.  It was a really great experience.  That story is to be continued...

I also know now what I want out of a relationship.  I won't go into great detail, but I will say that I deserve the best.  Hahaha  my mum told me that once.  ;-)  Love HER!! 

I tolerate people so much better now and I am able to smooth over confrontations so well.  People would say to me that I must be a peace maker... Who knew?  lol

There has been 3 weddings in our office, and I still haven't slit my wrists, so that is also a good thing... When will my day come?  Who knows...

To conclude;  I am soooo excited to go back to Utah.  I can't wait to see some friends, to hug my sister, my aunt Shelley, and Shauna.  I can't wait to kiss Logan and Kait.  I can't WAIT to sleep in my own bed!!  Ahhh that will be so nice.  And I can't wait to eat at Settebello.  There is much more, but I am tired and off to bed. 

Good Night All!!

What a day...

Once again I am wondering why the heck I am here.  I don't think that today was that bad of a day, however, I am stuck in an area where each of the houses are about a half a mile away from each other.  I walk and walk and walk to find that no one is home or that they are not interested.  I had a loser guy tell me today that he house is an Eco system.  He said that he liked his bugs and doesn't want anyone to kill any of them.  What a crock. 

Then there is the fact that I got kicked out of my area by some cops... Then all of the sudden Josh is in my area pulling out sales where I should have been.  Makes me furious.

Then you have the fact that I am surrounded by a bunch of cute little girls.  Here I am thinking that I am a mammoth fat giant and can't sell anything and all of these tiny girls are making sales left right and centre.  The stupid thing is that it wouldn't be so bad if they were all just here selling.  But the fact that I sit here and listen to all of these men, that I am working with, tell them how cute they are and how they will pull out sales like mad because of their beauty, is what's killing me.  I know what I look like... I know that I am not pretty or skinny, but can't the guys just hold off on saying things like that until I am out of earshot and not right beside them?  I would think that it is only common knowledge to consider other people's feelings.   

I don't know how I am suppose to change this feeling that I am having but it is really getting me down.  I'm trying hard to work on uplifting myself such as reading my scriptures every night.  I pray at least 4 times a day.  I keep a smile on my face.  What am I doing wrong?  Why do I always feel like this? 

I sometimes want to blame Jims.  He took everything from me.  And to this day I can't get him out of my mind.  I love him and hate him all at the same time.  I wish him the best and hope that he gets in a serious accident, all at the same time.  Why is it that I have lost all love in myself and beauty that I once had because of the fact that he took everything from me...

I want my heart back.  I want to be happy and feel loved.  I want I want I want... Don't I deserve some of this?  Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish and work on helping other people out instead of thinking about myself.  But here I am a 30+ old woman who is single and has no prospects of ever being happy.  No marriage in the future which equals no children.  There is something terribly wrong with this picture. 

I come across so many people and couples that I honestly can't understand how they were able to get married or even had a chance to.  And then there is me...  What the HECK!! 

Anyway, I just need to say what I feel sometimes.  I'm just annoyed in every direction and I can't seem to shake these feelings that I have.  Tomorrow is, in fact, a new day and who knows... Maybe it will be an amazing day.

Pray for me.   

Hmmmm

Today is a little here and there.  I got up and got ready and headed out to the office of my new job.  They slapped me with a shirt and a clipboard and sent me out into the world... I had no training or anything.  So.... Yeah.  I spent about 20 min with one of the sales reps and he kind of went over some things with me and also came to about 3 houses with me.  But then he left me to fend for myself.  haha  What a fun day.  I think I got the street with people that woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  I know that I must not get discouraged because I have done this before and I know that I am good at it.  But I also know that I don't know the product at all.  So this weekend I am working on learning what I need to know.  GO ME!! 

Other than that, I am starting a new diet.  I want to lose 60 lbs if I can.  That is about 12 lbs a month if I can do it.  It is not impossible for the average human being, but with me.... Well we will see.  haha 

So I cooked a bunch of healthy food today to start on Monday.  And now I am going to go get some Burger King... At 11:30pm.  lol  Off to a good start hey?  I know I know.  But I don't have and real food in the house. 

So tomorrow is Easter.  HAPPY EASTER!!!  To everyone who reads this.  I hope you all have a wonderful day and have a great time with your loved ones.  :-)

Me?...?  Well I am going to be studying my pitch.  HA 

Off to get food then bed.  Good Night!!

Rainy Dayz

Yesterday was a good one.  I listened to Toledo Surprise as I drove out of Toledo and then talked to my mother about it a little later.  We had a laugh.  The rest of the drive was wonderful and so beautiful.  It reminds me a lot of the outskirts of Alpharetta Georgia.  So green and full.  The drivers are a little crazy in VA, but I guess you find that everywhere.  Once I got into VA I called my new roommate, (Chelsea) and asked her if she had a key for me.  She was out selling so she told me to go to Tim's house.  It was his wife's birthday so everyone was going over there after to have cake and ice cream.  I decided that I would go for a tan to kill some time then go over to Tim's house.  So there I was, so tired, covered in tanning lotion, no makeup and not showered and surrounded by happy go lucky people.  I tried very hard to be a happy person.  Once I had a piece of cake I was a little better, but still so tired.  After the little party, Chelsea showed me where we lived and her and 3 of the bug boys helped me unload my car.  How sweet of them hey?  I then spent the rest of the evening unpacking and getting things put in their place. 
I had a wonderful night sleep.

So today is the first full day that I spent in Virginia.  I got up and showered and headed out.  I went to Walmart and filled a cart full of randoms that I needed such as a shower curtain, a shower cadi, a vacuum, some hangers... And the list goes on.  Then I went for a tan... (gotta get some glow on my skin) then I went to the grocery store.  Everything is so organic here that is is annoying.  But I am not going to force my opinion on anyone, but still...  During all of this it rained and rained and rained... As I write this, it is still raining.  UGH  but I have a beautiful Utah Utes umbrella that I am using.  So it is allllll good.  Then once I got home and started putting everything away the lids to my pots were broken.  So I jumped back into the car and went back to Walmart and got new ones. 

Other than that, I have done dishes and hung stuff up and that is about it.  Work starts tomorrow morning.  Wish. Me. Luck!!

Good night! 

Duet Day

Duet: an action or activity performed by a pair of closely connected individuals

So today was a great day.  I got up and jumped in my car and drove.  For about 3 hours this guy in a crappy girly car and I did the dance of circling cars.  I would pass him and then get into the right lane then he would pass me and get in front of me and then I would pass him... And so on.  The weird thing is that my car was on cruise the whole time (besides being behind a Semi Truck), so... he was the one driving fast then slow at a constant. 

I am staying in Toledo, Ohio tonight.  I get a huge kick out of the fact that I am staying here.  The sad thing is that no one else appreciates the reason as to why I find it so amusing except for my mother.  I must call her in the morning.  Oh yes and there is a TIM HORTON'S here!!!  I am sooooo very excited to get a hot chocolate and a donut in the morning. 

For La trek (even though I know you don't read this), I passed about 8 Cattle Barons today.  I thought of you every time I passed one.  Fat in a bowl.  HAHA 

Some of the people I saw today were very interesting.  There was a guy that had his whole finger in his nose... Not sure if it was stuck or not.  There was also a guy who I am sure had a tick or was OCD or something.  He kept twitching his head and moving his rear view mirror back and forth.  I finally got a little creeped out and had to pass him.  There was also a girl that was following me for a while and every time she ran her hand through her hair, her car would veer into the shoulder... Just goes to show that most women can't drive OR they can't multi task while they drive.  lol KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE WHEEL!!

So when you leave Nebraska and they welcome you into Iowa there is this amazing bridge that has big metal statues on each side of it.  I took a picture, so I will have to look at it again but I swear they looked like Edward Scissor Hand's Hands!  lol They were so neat. 

So enough chatter for tonight.  I am tired and I have 8 more hours to drive.  Good Night!!

First day on Route...

Today was my first day heading to Virginia.  I am truly excited but the drive is like pulling teeth... lol It is amazing, you can set your cruise control at a nice 82 miles per hour and lean your seat back and take a nap.  That is if your wheels are aligned of course...  Haha  It is nothing but a straight road all through Wyoming and Nebraska!!  I feel sorry for the men who had to lay the asphalt.  lol talk about a boring job.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE those men who built the road, it is just a really long stretch of nothing.

So on my trip today I counted 6 trains going in all different directions.  Not too exciting but what can you do on a straight path that goes on forever?  lol 

Oh and I also saw this huge statue of Abe Lincoln's head.  It was totally awesome!!  I wish I had my camera out at that time.  Maybe on the way back.... Ugh I'm not going to think about that.  ;-)

Wyoming is a very windy state.  My little car was being pushed all over the place.  It rocked once the wind was pushing me from behind though.  Talk about a good way to make your fuel last longer.  I noticed that they have these weird wood fences everywhere.  I'm not sure if they are put there to make the wind not as gusty or if they have a different purpose.  I plan on googling it in the future.

Nebraska is a lot of straight nothing.  But I did spend most of it driving through clouds.  It was very foggy through out the whole state.  Kind of like it but kind of don't.  I guess it is a bit scary in the night, I'm not gonna lie. 

Anyway, that is all I have to say about my first day.  More to come tomorrow night.  :-)
Maybe I will post pictures tomorrow too.  We will see.

Good Night! 

Sickness

So I went on the wonderful trip to San Diego with some friends and had a wonderful time.  But sadly the Monday before our trip was over, I started to feel sick.  It was a good thing that we spent most of the day on the beach and I didn't have to do anything besides sit there.  Tuesday morning rolled around and I had to take 3 of our group to the airport.  I felt horrible but I figured that I would go back to sleep for an hour or so.  When Elisa and I got up I was still feeling horrible so we went to Wal-mart and we got a bunch or cold drugs and I loaded up on them.  I was still coughing but I was able to make it through the day.  We went to Hollywood and took pictures of the sign, looked at some of the stars and put our hands in the cement where famous people put their hands and signed their names.  It was such a nice ending to a great trip.  We flew home that night and went to bed. 

This last week from Tuesday to now I am still feeling like crap but I have to get better.  I have a training period for a job tomorrow.  I can't give up this chance to have a job.  I need the money and I think it is a great opportunity for me.  So it is time to rest up and have a cup of soup, take some more cough syrup and be prepared for tomorrow. 

Wish me luck...

The man above my bed...

I was cleaning through papers and old letters that I had a few years ago and I came across a picture.  I had never seen the picture before and to this day I don’t know where it came from.  But with the silly personality I have, I put the picture in my wallet and then went to meet my cousins to see a movie.  Now I don’t recall the movie that we went to but I was being silly and I asked them if they wanted to see a picture of my new boyfriend.  He said yes and so I pulled out the picture.  “Isn’t he the sexiest BEAST you have ever seen?”  I asked them.  They both burst out in laughter and asked where he had come from.  I explained to them that I didn’t know and that I had just found it in all of my stuff. 

So about a week later I was off to work.  At the time I hauled drywall for my father's business from 7am to around 5:30-6pm at night.  I came home from work and went up to shower.  After I was done I went downstairs and my cousins were over.  They (including my mother) were all smirking and I couldn't figure it out.  But we had a good night including popcorn and a movie.  We talked and laughed and then at around midnight my cousins went home.  I spoke to my mother for a few more minutes and then decided to go to bed.  I waled into my room and changed.  I laid down onto my bed and what was staring back at me, stuck to my ceiling?  THIS!!!

There he was smiling at me as if he was part of this silly joke.  I couldn't believe what I was looking at.  It is about 24"x18" in size.  They had taken a small 1"x2" picture and blown it up and pasted the bloody thing onto my ceiling.  HAHA  Sometimes I get a kick out of these people.  We had a huge laugh about it a few days later.

To this day Mr. Sexy Beast is still on my ceiling.  It has become like a light fixture, something that belongs where it is.  There have been a few times where I was going to take it down because it is silly and he is a tad wretched, but it reminds me of fond memories and I hate to get rid of them.  So every time I go home, there he is smiling down on me, welcoming me back to my old room.  What will happen if my parents move?  Oh well that will be a decision for a later time.

Totally random but I had to tell somebody.  HAHA

Worried

This morning I woke up feeling sick.  It feels like something bad has happened, something bad is happening, or something bad is going to happen soon...  It is a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. 
Last time I had this feeling, I was driving to Utah to visit friends.  I was going to meet a friend at Trolley Square for dinner and I decided to cancel on him because I just felt sick.  He got mad of course but once I got to Lehi my friend and I saw on TV that some guy went crazy with a gun and was shooting up everyone in Trolley Square.  I was so relieved that I had not gone and grateful for my life.

I'm not sure that this is as strong as that feeling was but I do feel like something is not right...
I hope everyone that I love and everyone who is important to me and my life is ok and well.

Hmmm 2:00am thoughts

I often wonder what the heck is wrong with me... Let me try to explain... I don’t have friends. I have a few acquaintances, most that I have been working with or a few that I see on Campus. I use to have friends, didn’t I? I use to be able to keep a relationship, didn’t I? I remember when people use to say that they missed me... I don’t hear that anymore. I think that maybe part of it is on my side but I still wonder what is going on. Then there is my sister. She has an amazing opportunity to live in Georgia and meets so many new people and one great friend who still keeps in touch. This friend is older than I am but cherishes my sister so much. I think it is great... but why can’t I find that? Then she moves in with me. Her first week in school and she meets two more amazing friends and has continued these friendships. I decided to spend the summer at home working and helping my mum with things around the house. That summer my sister spent it in Utah taking another semester in school. While she was there she met a new friend, a friend who consumes a lot of her time. In a way I don’t mind. But then again I am conflicted. Today this friend wrote on my sister’s wall about missing her best friend. All of the sudden jealousy shot through my body. I feel like telling this person to go away. I feel like telling her to get her own life because I don’t want to see or hear about her EVERY day. But then again I really like this person and I think she is a great girl... What is wrong with me? Then we have to start with the fact that, because I don’t have my own friends, I am a tag-a-long. My sister goes out with her friends and I come along. She has dinner or works out or goes skiing or anything else and I am right there tagging along. I am acting like a younger sister. It feels crazy that I am like this. Even down to relatives it seems this is a problem. My sister gets cute cards, notes, and random gifts in the mail from a cousin and friend. The cousin’s my age could care less about me. Although I only send them a card or two on special occasions, I still get nothing.


Why can’t I have these relationships? Why don’t people come into my life that are so meaningful to me and people that I cherish? Did I do something wrong to deserve a form of loneliness such as this? I was told a few days ago that I need to love myself before I can love others. But how can I love someone like me when no one else seems to?

Facebook... Another big problem. I know that I am not that good looking and I know that my sister was blessed with beauty. But when people like to shove it in my face such as commenting on all of the pictures on my albums about how beautiful she is and then not commenting on any of my own pictures, I don’t find this to be very good for my self esteem. I don’t go on all of your pictures and tell you how beautiful everyone else is and not mentioning anything about you do I? I would say that I have better tact than that. Whatever!!! I’m sure I am looking too deep into this and it really doesn’t matter. But it seems to matter to me because I feel like absolute crap... All because of one stupid (but sweet) comment to my sister.

Maybe it is just because I am delirious with exhaustion and need a few hours of sleep, so I will shut up now.

Night All :-(